|My correspondence with Nigerian scammers
||[Mar. 28th, 2009|01:09 am]
So, one day I got an e-mail from a rich merchant from Dubai who was about to die and wanted ME to help him give his money away to charity. Why me? Because I'm good looking. He did not specifically say so, but I know that was the reason. Anyway, we began corresponding and soon we became very close, confiding each other our deepest secrets and aspirations, sharing the good times and helping one another endure through the bad. |
This is the story of me and my 'Dear friend'.
Subject : Dear Friend
This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pains. As you read this, I do not want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Jb Ralley, a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal cancer that was discovered very late due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defied all forms of medicine and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that I know my time is near, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as a few close friends.
I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, London and Ireland. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this my self any more. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and donate the money, which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria, they refused and kept the
money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contented with what I have left for them. The last of my money which is the huge cash deposit that I have with security firm Abroad .I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations and let them know that it is I Jb Ralley that is making
this generous donation. I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come. I pray that God uses you to support and assist me with good heart.
God be with you,
You don't have to read all that. It's basically what I said before: he's rich, he's dying, he wants to give his money to charity, but his family are all greedy so he's asking me to do help because I'm sexy.
Here's my reply:
Your letter has touched me deeply. Tell me what I can do and I will see if it is within my powers.
My powers being invisibility, super-speed, and ability to turn any single object into a toothbrush. He must have known that when he chose me for this mission.
Soon he wrote back... WITH NAKED PICTURES!
Subject : Dear friend
My dear friend
I have received your mail and I must first of all show my appreciation, over the fact that you have given heed to the entreaty of a dying man and i muct apologize for the late responce because i have been under mechanized medication. Like I had told you in my previous mail, I lived a very reckless life when it mattered most.
All I thought about was my various investments; it is that same care free attitude that is going to cost me a lot now.
When I discovered this ailment, it dawned on me that I had been living a very vain life. Then the need to affect the lives of those in need became very paramount in my thoughts. This appears to be a case of mercy after death as I no longer have the strength to do those things I used to do when I was still very full of life.
My dear friend, in my resolve to actualise my dying wish, I have been able to support charity to a very large extent around the Middle East and Europe. Then my health became a sorry tale, that at this particular point in time, I live at the mercy of various drugs and operations which certainly cannot remedy anything. My close family members are however not happy with the way I have disbursed everything of mine to the motherless babies and the less priviledged.That was why they failed to help me actualise my dream of supporting charity.
They held for themselves the funds I made available and went as far as even trying to terminate my life when the hour (though very short) has not come. All relationship with me has been severed, and they are of the opinion that the last of my fortune has been spent. Incidentally, the sum of $8,000,000,00 Eight million dollars (United States) lies in a security company in Europe, and well packaged in a consignment that is the last I have here on earth after my medical bills have been estimated and all expenses paid pending when I shall be no more. These funds I wish to entrust to you, to help propagate the works of charity where ever your location is. By so doing, I would need your utmost sincerity and honesty to carry the venture along successfully.
It would be required of you to furnish me with your full names and address, telephone and fax numbers, to enable me put a letter to the security company, making you the eligible beneficiary to the funds with them. Once this is done, you shall make arrangements with them on the funds would be transferred to your location.
I beg of you to deal with me honestly and render me your assistance to the fullest of your capacity. You would be helping a dying man. Most importantly you would be touching the lives of a huge number of people.
I hope I would be able to count on you while I wait impatiently for the time to come. My bones are slowly cleaving to my skin.
I hope to hear from you as soon as possible.
NB:Attached is a recent picture which i took on recently,so that you can really know what i mean when i said am leaving on mechanized medications.
See, you can tell it's him because he's sitting in front of a laptop, writing me an e-mail. Or exposing his chest in a chatroom through a webcam. Either way. This proves everything.
My second reply:
Dear Mr. Ralley:
First of all, I apologize for taking so long to reply to your message. During the past few days I've had to convince my life partner, George, that we can trust you enough to give you our personal information. We are under financial difficulties at the time and George is worried that you might ask us for money that we're not able to provide without ruining ourselves. After showing George the pictures of yourself you sent me, he understood that helping you is the Christian thing to do, and so we decided to take the chance.
I hope it's not too late, but please understand that I can't do this without my partner's consent, as he is the most important part of my life after God.
Here is our information:
George Walker B.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Contact number: 202-456-1111
Fax number: 202-456-2461
Again, I hope it's not too late and I await your reply with expectation.
Max Yezpitelok and George Walker
Oh, yeah. This was back when Bush 2 was President of the US. They've probably changed the numbers (and locks) since then.
Next, my friend tells me I have to send a letter to a security company:
My Dear Friends,
Sorry to get back to you so late the fact was i have to contact my lawyer to prepare the power of attorney which i have faxed with your information to the company so i think you should write to them as i have drafted a copy of what to send to them below.
Do not worry about carring the box,as the company will make the delivery to any chosen address of your choice and as I told you earlier,they could also use their diplomatic status to help you get a safe deposit in any bank of your choice if you want them to.
The following is the contact of the company :
Britannia Security Group
Tel: 0044 7879232818
contact name- Dr Paul Owen (Director)
please remember that this company is not aware of the contents of these box.
Do not mention the contents of the box during your communication with them.
Write to them and tell them that you are a business partner of mine and that I have asked you to take delivery of the box on my behalf.
You must keep this confidential until you have successfully secured the boxes and the money safely put out.
Thank you very much for your kindness and may this be the begining of a long lasting friendship.A copy of the Power of Attorney is attached with this message for you.
Do keep me posted with every progress made.
N.B: THIS IS THE SAMPLE OF WHAT TO WRITE TO THEM.
Dear Dr Paul Owen,
I am writing you inveiw of a power attorney which I believe you have received from Mr JB Ralley regarding my claiming his box in your company.
I would appreciate it if you can advise me of what is required to facilitate the delivery of these box to my address.
I also want to point out to your that during the cause of the delivery of the said deposits,it is my need to have the boxes delivered with the cover of a non-inspection clearance certificate.
Can you please get back to me to enable an immediate delivery of this boxes.
Thank you and I await futher directives from you.
I didn't embed the picture here because it's not as sexy as the ones before. It's just a bunch of words. Frankly, I was a little disappointed. I was hoping to see more skin. So I let a week go by, also because I'm very lazy.
And then I got THIS:
Subject: Re: Dear friend
My Dear Friend,
I mailed you about some days now and am yet to receive any responce about what the company told you,please can you keep me updated so that i can know my stand now.
Thanking you in advance and God Bless you.
My friend was getting impatient! Ugh, it's not like he had cancer and was about to... oh. Well, I wrote to the security company like he told me to, and then forwarded the message to him:
Dear Mr Ralley,
It took me some days to do this, because I was unsure as to how to do it, as I have never done anything like this. I was very tense because I realize what's at stake for you in this simple action you have asked me to do, but the message you sent me today has given me the confidence I needed to send the letter to the lawyers.
This is the e-mail message I have just sent to them:
Hello. I am a business partner of Mr. J.B. Ralley. We have been friends for many years, we go way back as we say in America. And he is to send me a box without money which is to be delivered through you. Please advice me on how to receive this box from you, its content is extremely important though it is not money, but still it is extremely important to me and my friend J.B. I have everything set as to when the power of the attorney is set and signed.
This is my address:
George Walker B.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
I await instructions from you with expectation.
Maxwell Yezpitelok and George Walker B. (Mrs.)
I hope I did everything right, as I said I am a man of God and I have no experience lying to people, but I realize that in this case it's for a greater good.
Good luck with all and please let me know if I did it right,
Maxwell and George
Soon the "lawyers" (who are not actually my friend J.B. trying to scam me, how dare you think that?) sent me this:
From : Britannia Security Group
Subject : ATTENTION
ATTENTION: Maxwell Yezpitelok and George Walker B,
Sequel to yourreply consigning the consignment of Mr.J.B.Ralley with Ref.
NumberUCJ/JD/VOL.1/04 in our custody
Which we have received an Affidavitempowering you as the sole beneficiary to theconsignment.
However, since you have decided on delivery, you arerequested to make available to this office the following for authentification and verification:-
1) A Copyof your identity
2) Two thousand, four hundredandfifty pounds (£2,450:00)
Being cost of demurrage that has accumulated
On the consignment and cost of handling & administrativecharges.
Upon receipt of the above document and charges, the accountsdepartment will
Issue receipt of payment which will be
Presented tothevault officer for the final release and delivery of the
Dr Paul Owen
European Union Office
121 kings Old Rd, London SW5 9NT
The lawyers, who are either intoxicated or typing with a broken keyboard, have told me to send them 3,500 dollars so they can give me the box containing my friend's money. They were also apparently trying to tell me that they have received a power ring, possibly from a dying alien asking them to join an intergalactic police force, but that point isn't clear.
J.B. asked me to let him know what the "lawyers" (who aren't him) told me, so I did. Or my "life partner" George did, to be more precise:
Hello, this is George speaking. I am happy to inform you that I have just recieved a response from the lawyers. Wee! Max and I were so excited when we read it, we fellated each other for fifteen minutes right here in the computer! (we recorded it with our webcam in case you're interested ;P...). I'm glad everything worked out in the end and I hope you are as happy as we are. If you are, please let us know with full detail just how excited you're feeling, because your emotional well being is of supreme importance to us. Don't think I'm kidding, I mean every word!
Well, getting back to business, the lawyer told us we need to send him our identification and some money now, in order to get your package (LOL! not that package you tease ;o...). We would like you to tell us exactly what we need to do now.
That's all. Don't forget to tell us exactly how happy you are; it's the only little favor we ask you in return for helping you through this. If you could make the description of your inner happiness as long as one paragraph, that would be just super! We couldn't sleep tonight if we didn't know that you're OK... well, I just got some new anal lubricant from the pharmacy today, so odds are we won't be sleeping anyway! LOL!
PS: Max sends his regards. He's sorry he can't type this e-mail to you as usual, but I'm afraid right now he's indisposed to use the computer, since he can't sit down on hard surfaces and probably won't be able to do so for the next few days. Don't worry, it's nothing serious and he's a fast healer. Oh my, this e-mail is turning out to be longer than I imagined... I'm sorry if I bored you! LOL! :P
Oh yeah, I almost forgot... attached is a picture of Max and I taken some years ago, since you were kind enough to show yourself to us I thought I should return the favor. Try to guess who's who!
And, to his credit, he did:
Subject : Dear friend
My Dear Friends,
I quite appreciate your kindness and utmost sincerity in your aim in helping me achieve my last wish on earth and helping the less privileged ones.
Your message came at the right time when I was almost losing hope of every achieving my last wish and you have really been of great encouragement to me and I pray that may the lord almighty be with you too, and I wish Max a quick recovery and pray that may your love life last forever as you help me accomplish my last wish which will give me a eternal joy.
The security company contacted me and said that the number given to them wasn?t going through to you, so I want you to provide me with your mobiles so that they can talk to you so that the delivery won?t be delayed.
Secondly, I will appreciate it if you do everything within your disposal to make available whatever they require so as to facilitate the delivery and once this is done do not hesitate to use part of the money for yourself and Maxwell but all I require of you is that you make the less privilege one enjoy what I wish for them and making it known to them that Jb Ralley is responsible for whatever you use the money for and please try to contact the company today so as to know when the delivery will be made.
And according to your mail that I should guess who is who, I believe that You (George) is wearing the spectacles while Maxwell is sitting right in your arms and once again I wish both of you a happy and wonderful life together.
God Bless you.
NO. It was the other way around, you fool. Just for that I made him wait a week. Also because I couldn't be arsed to think of a reply.
Subject : Re: Dear friend
With heavy heart i am writing you this message,i am really down with thinking about what the company has told you and i will appreciate it if you can keep me updated with the responce from the company so that i can have a good sleep as i am not feeling very finew with the situation of your silence.
While i wait for your responce,greetings to Max and i hope to read from you soon.
God Bless you.
So, it's been a while since I've talked to my friend J.B., and I'm starting to feel very guilty about letting him down. How do I explain this? I don't want him to think ill of me.
And so, my reply:
Dear Mr. Bralley:
First of all, allow me to apologize for, once again, taking so long to repy to this message, but when you read what I'm about to tell you I'm sure you'll understand my reasons. Over the short period we've been exchanging e-mails, I feel we've developed a bond as men of God, in spite of the cultural and racial differences that might distance us.
I don't know if George told you, but I wasn't able to write the previous e-mail you received because of a quite unpleasant injury I sustained in my anus. While I recovered, George was kind enough to hire a personal nurse to take care of my needs, as I was unable to do anything from my uncomfortable position; because of the nature of my injury, I wasn't even able to put on my trousers. Though I insisted that it wasn't his fault, George felt responsible for my injury and hired the nurse, a lovely gesture on his part. However, George made the terrible mistake of hiring a male nurse and not a female one as people usually do. This was extremely foolish on George's part because he KNOWS fully well that I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I'm left alone with an attractive man. As soon as the nurse entered my room, and since I was pantless at the time, my "good disposition" towards him became quite "evident" (generously evident, if I might say so myself). The nurse, of course, couldn't resist the sight of my manhood at full power and, well, I'm not sure if it's sensible to share the rest of the story. The only thing you need to know is that, four hours later, when George came home, I was coming as well but in another sense (I take pride in my uncanny stamina). Unfortunately, George missinterpreted what he saw, and in the long argument that followed dared questioning my love for him.
The point of my long story is that George and I are no longer together, at least for the time being. Since the house where we lived is owned by him, he was free to literally kick me out. At the moment I'm staying at my friend Rob's house, and am writing this from a Cyber Cafe down the street. The past days have been very tough for me, since this is the first time George and I are apart since we started our relationship many years ago. I'm sorry for burdening you with this sorry anecdote, but it was important for me that you knew what happened, and that, if possible, you can show me your support, since most of my friends have sided with George in this, and except for Rob I am completely alone.
However, none of this affects our previous agreement. A promise is a promise, and I don't care if George intends to keep it. Whether he likes it or not, I still have access to OUR savings (that he intends to keep for himself!) so I'm still at your disposal to help your last wish come true.
I hope there's still time to help you, and I beg you to be very clear about what you need me to do.
And this, folks, this is the part that makes it all worth it. This is the part where I realized that J.B. wasn't just a dear friend. He was my DEAREST friend. He had genuine concern for my happiness and well-being, and he proved it with an e-mail sent not from a server, but from the deepest corners the heart:
Subject : Dear friend
My Dearest Friend,
I am not happy about the present situation of things between yourself and George because i know you two are a perfect couple that must learn to know what the other doesn't like,but i will appreciate it and will be glad if you can just accept that you are wrong and go back to George for his love and tender care.
Secondly,i will appreciate it if you can meet the company's requirement as soon as possible so that the delivery can be made as soon as possible so that i can have peace within me because as you know everyday that pass by still alive is a grace,as my soul is restless and my skin is clived to my bone and i know not when death might come,so i will want you to kindly and urgently make available the companys requirement to them for the delivery to be made immediately.
Maxwell,you will do me and my soul a great good if you can make everything fast enough,so that i can have peace within my heart before i die and i will appreciate it if yourself and George come back together as the prefect couple you have always been and let me know if there is anything i can do to make you come back together and i hope and will appreciate it when you keep me posted on what the company said as soon as you provide everything for them.
God Bless You,
I was lost for words. Never had I received such a selfless demonstration of love from another human being. And so I couldn't reply to him in the following days. Also because I was playing Donkey Kong.
Subject : Dear friend
I hope all is well cos i am yet to read from you and i do hope that you will keep me updated as soon as you can so that i can have rest in me for the little time remaining on earth.
God Bless You.
Now I'd moved on to Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kongquest.
Subject : Keep Me Updated.
Greetings to you and i hope you are reading this message in a good condition of health?I must alert you to the fact that i am writing you with a disappointed heart and bleeding spirit as you have decided to make my soul grieve.
Firstly,you promised to do everything within your power to help make my last wish come to past and give me peace in death but you are not standing by your words and i felt a stab in my heart by that but i know and believe so much in you that you are still tring to get all the neccessary requirement which is to be forwarded to the security company for the immediate release of the consignment.
I will be of a happy heart and joy will fill my soul if you can keep me updated as to what is happening at this moment as i have not heard from either you or the security company since our last discussion and i wish to pass this across to you that no matter the failure of other,i have a strong believe that you are up to the task and i hope you wont let me down.Keep me updated as soon as you can.
God Bless You.
So now he's trying to guilt me into sending him money? I thought he was my friend. What kind of friend does that? A dear one? NO. The opposite of a dear one. One who reads a lot.
Hello again, this is George speaking. Or writing. LOL. Anyway, I would never use Max's e-mail account without his permission, but this is an emergency. As Max probably told you, he and I had a big argument over a male nurse he sodomized and I decided not to be his life partner anymore. This was a tough decision and I knew Max wouldn't take it well, but I felt he had to be punished for what he did (sodomizing a male nurse). Breaking up hurt me as much as it did him. I kept all our belongings (that are rightfully mine), so at least I had our pet dildo Mr. Cucumber to comfort me at night. I can't say the same about Max. His only comfort might have been a real cucumber for all I know.
After about a week of being apart, I decided to approach Max to offer him his fuck-buddy priviledges back. In spite of my harsh words, I never really intended to be apart from him forever. I planned to return things to normal as soon as he got enough punishment for his sin (sodomizing a male nurse). Max was staying at our friend Rob Kamperdoodle's house, but when I got there I recieved terrible news from Bobo (that's how we call Rob): Max was gone. He had spent his days drinking day and night after I left him over the nurse sodomizing issue. He didn't tell Bobo where he went: he just disappeared one day while Bobo was watching a Will & Grace marathon.
I don't regret punishing Max for sodomizing the male nurse, but I'm still very worried about him. I've called every one of our friends and checked every bar he used to visit (he was a regular at The Blue Oyster and Le Retcum) but no one has seen him, and now I'm really starting to fear for his life. I opened his e-mail account in hopes of finding some clue as to his where he is, but the only recent e-mail message I see here is yours. I hate to bother you with this, John (does the J. in J.B. stand for John?), I know you have more urgent matters in your mind, but please I beg you to tell me if Max has sent you any e-mails recently, about anything.
Any little clue about where he is would be of immense value to me. If you help me, I swear on my mother's grave that I will do anything to help you with your own problem. And I do mean ANYTHING ;)
And that was it. I wanted to get J.B. to play messenger between Max and George while trying to get them back together so they'd send him all their money, mainly because it seemed like a great plot for a romantic comedy, but I never heard from him again. I'm assuming he died performing a motorcycle stunt during a packed carnival show. That's how I want to remember him: racing through a pool of fire in his Honda, the audience gasping in disbelief.
Part of me -the foolish part that always gets my heart in trouble- still believed he might be alive, so I tried getting his attention by CC'ing him every reply I sent to scammers:
Your story has touched me deeply. Please tell me what I can do to help you.
You can reach me at my alternate e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
Max Yezpitelok and J.B. Ralley
What should we do, J.B.? You understand all this business stuff much better than me.
Maxwell Yezpitelok and J.B. Ralley (Mrs.)
One time I sent him a picture of tubgirl. Nothing happened. The dream is over.
It's been a while since all this, but I still think about J.B. every other day. Sometimes I look at the sky and see his face in the stars. I miss him terribly: I miss his laughter and I miss his smile. Above all, I miss the way he was able of making me smile even when everything seemed to be going to the shitter. And his naked pictures. They were nice.
Thankfully, soon after this I found another scammer friend to play with. But that's a story for another day. Probably a Thursday.