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Maxy [Jul. 9th, 2009|01:32 am]
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Right! Have you ever gotten one of these?

Subject: ebay

Hey,
how are you doing recently?
I would like to introduce you a very good company and its website is [LINK REDACTED] It can offer you all kinds of electronic products that you may be in need,such as laptops ,gps ,TV LCD,cell phones,ps3,MP3/4,motorcycles and etc........
You can take some time to have a check ,there must be something interesting you 'd like to purchase .

Hope you can enjoy yourself in shopping from that company !

Regards


WHO ARE YOU? W-Why are you recommending a retail website to me? Do you work there, or are you just a selfless soul who goes around giving shopping advice to complete strangers? And what does any of this have to do with eBay?!

I'm not entirely sure if these companies are legit or not (I've never actually clicked on one of those links), but what the fuck, I'm gonna waste their time anyway. They type like shit, so they're close enough to scammers for me.



Here's my first reply:

Subject: Purchas

Hi I would like to buy some television
thanks

Maxy


I'm being careful not to use anything that might make them feel threatened, such as grammar or punctuation. They responded soon enough:

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

Could you tell me where are you from? and how many units would you like? if you can order more than 10 units we can offer you free shipping,

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,
China


"Zhongguanchun"? He's making this up! I bet he's not even a Sales Manager.

Ok, I just Googled Zhongguanchun and it's a real place. But still, he sounds like a fucktard. Also, "Gary Zhou" is probably the Chinese equivalent of something like "Ching-Chong Johnson" ("Ching-Chong Pérez", if you're reading from a Latin country). If school taught me anything it's that people with unusual names deserve as much grief as you can give them. And so:

No I wold like 1 order for now please.

I am from Estonia, Peterburi tee street number 83 can you send me television

Maxy


I'm slowly, carefully, introducing periods into my e-mails as I gain his confidence.

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

We can send that tv to your address, the shipping cost is about 35 US Dollars, so you can place an order online or tell me the products full name, I can help you here,

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


Is he gonna thank me for bringing attention to his company every single time? Yes, he is.

I would like good color TV to watch on DIVD. With antenna too for TV

Where to send 35 dolars (Bank account number,etc.) please

Thank you closely
Maxy


When purchasing a TV set throught the Internet, always remember to make sure it's a color one. Otherwise your children will hate you forever.

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

Could you tell me the full name of the TV, so we can caculate the total cost ( Price of the TV + shipping cost).

By the way, please supply with us the informations of yours: Full name, address and telephone,

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


I just noticed that he forgot to paste "China" at the end of his address in the last couples of e-mails. Or maybe I forgot to copy it while pasting them here. Either way, he's a jerk.

Hello full name of TV is Samsong television, full name of Maxy is Maxwell Karen Yezpitelok, Peterburi tee street number 83 telephone 562

where to send 35 dolars, I have them allready this morneng from seling goat.

Thank you so kindly
Maxy


I'm hoping he feels touched by the fact that I had to sell my goat to get the 35 dollars I believe the television costs. He isn't. He's a ruthless businessman:

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

I mean that you have paid the full amount of the TV, not just the shipping cost, Samsung HL61A650 61-Inch 1080p Slim DLP HDTV, the total cost are 704 US Dollars, and the following is our bank informations:

Bank Name: Bank of China
A/C Holder’s Name: Duan Fan
A/C No.: 4320105-0188-054310-4
Swift Code: BKCH CN BJ 110
Address: No.2 Chao Yang Men Nei Da Jie, Dongcheng District, Beijing, 100010, China

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


I just checked: I didn't forget to copy the word "China"... it wasn't there! His address ends in a comma! What sort of madness is this? What... What have I gotten myself into?!

Also: note that I asked for a Samsong television and he's trying to sell me one made by "Samsung", whatever that is. He also neglected to mention if it is a color TV or not... on purpose, I presume.

Anyway, as you can imagine I wasn't too amused to find out that the cost of my TV had suddenly gone up by 2000%. US $700 for a knock-off possibly-B&W TV was unacceptable, so I made a counteroffer:

Dear,

You tell me 35 dolar, I sell Ipkiss the goat for 50, I can give you 45 dolar with 5 for taxi to me.

Final ofering
thank you

Maxy


'Cause without cab fare, how is the TV gonna get to my house?

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

I told you the shipping cost is 35 US Dollars, but you need pay the price of the TV, do you want to use 35 US Dollars to buy a TV?

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


I don't mean to be repetitive, but, seriously: What happened? How is the company no longer in China? Did that entire district of Beijing became expatriated between e-mails? Or did they declare themselves as an independent state, the Glorious Nation of 100020,?

But enough of that. The guy just asked me if I really wanted to buy a TV for 35 dollars. I decided to subtly test him to find out if he really was a scammer:

Yes, Im happy to understand. Must be colored please & antenna for to watch TV.

I expect on next wendsday for watching midget wrestling match in ESTV with friend and famely

Merry wishes,
Maxy


Wait. What? Why would I say that?! I was obviously tired of this whole thing and wanted poor Gary to stop replying... Which he would have done, if he wasn't EVIL:

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

Have you made the payment today?

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


So, okay, Gary believes I'm trying to buy a TV for 35 dollars, and he's still urging me to deposit the money? Something tells me this might not be a legitimate business after all. Maybe it really is possible to buy a TV for that amount of money and have it shipped from China to Estonia, but IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE A COLOR ONE!

Dear,

I want to first confirm it get to my house by wendsday for small people fight in TV. The all famely is coming for watching,all very aroused for fight. Then Maxy sent money to to bank.

It's very much money and if it cant get TV by wendsday then I buy TV some were else.

Good day,
Maxy


I really need to settle on a goodbye greeting.

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

We will wait for your payment, have a nice day.

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


Gary's like: "yeah, sure, whatever, just deposit the money, SUCKA!".

At this point I figured I should wait until the following wednesday and send Gary an angry e-mail. So I did wait until wednesday, then I sort of forgot about this and ended up waiting two more days until friday. Consequently, Maxy had to be a lot more pissed than I'd originally intended:

NOT DEAR,

HELLO,

IS FRIDAY AND TELEVISION IT NEVER ARRIVE. WE WAIT FOR TELEVISION FOR WENDSDAY, MANY DAYS OF WAITING HARDLY, BUT ONLY AIR FROM TREES AND SMELLINGS OF COW ARRIVE.

YOU PROMISE TO BRING TELEVISION, BUT YOU BRING SHAME INTO MY HOUSE
I WILL NOT PAY 45 DOLARS, I DONT CARE IF TELEVISION IS ON WAY. TOO LATE FOR REJOICING

DO YOU HAVE DISH WASHING MACHINE THOUGH.

SOME GREETING,
MAXY


That's right. No multiple greetings for you, only scarce ones. And in singular.

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

Are you serously? have you made the payment? after you pay so we can send the products to you, that is deal.

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,


Gary was so upset, his address lost a couple more lines, and he started talking like Cartman from South Park. I should have replied: "Yes I'm seriously, you guys!". But I didn't. I replied:

Gary.

Firstly only friends call me Maxy, youre no longer my friend.

Secondly I ask to confirm for TV get here on wendsday, you confirm but then it doesnt get, so no payment. It very unprofesionel for prestigeous companny like [COMPANY NAME REDACTED] to fail on word. All the famely ask where is it? where is it? It isn't, I have to tell them. It never is. Now people at town square laugh and rejoice at my lack of TV.

Thirdly how much is dish washer machine.

Welcome,
Maxy (is name for friends only)


Hardcore. From the very first line. No "Dear" for you, bitch.

I assume Gary was so devastated after reading this message that he committed suicide, because I never heard from him again. That, or his newly emancipated nation was invaded by the Chinese Army, and thousands of TVs, laptops and motorcycles were confiscated or destroyed.

Either way. Fuck you, Gary. May you rot in Hell.
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: jasmin_sane
2009-07-10 06:20 pm (UTC)

(Link)

Yeah, I bet he went and killed himself. The Chinese are all about not losing their face and reputation and honour and such. Good on ya for ridding the world of another scammer!
From: mrmxy
2009-07-11 08:06 am (UTC)

(Link)

He was so utterly devastated by my last letter that his existence started being slowly eaten away by anti-matter several days before he read it, hence the increasingly short address.
From: (Anonymous)
2011-04-02 06:20 pm (UTC)

(Link)

I thought those were the Japanese...
From: (Anonymous)
2011-07-12 01:28 pm (UTC)

(Link)

That is a Japanese thing... The Chinese are the ones who shoot those in possession of illegal substances on the street as an example to others.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-05-11 01:39 pm (UTC)

(Link)

HAHAHA! Awesome man.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-05-11 04:34 pm (UTC)

(Link)

Hilarious!
[User Picture]From: makacookie
2010-05-17 06:41 pm (UTC)

(Link)

That is cute, good job, I have friended you, so keep up the good work. And also, If I gave you a transcription of an email sent to me from a "prince of nambia" and his reply email you think you could scare up some fun?

-Nicole
[User Picture]From: mrmxy
2010-05-18 03:55 am (UTC)

(Link)

I think I got the same one! Actually, I think I get that one at least once a week.
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: mrmxy
2010-05-26 10:41 pm (UTC)

(Link)

Thanks!
[User Picture]From: hopium42
2010-06-16 03:50 am (UTC)

(Link)

Thank you so much for the laughs. I liked your article on Cracked, and I'm glad I clicked this link. Too funny. (Also, good to see another Residents fan!!)
[User Picture]From: mrmxy
2010-06-20 04:42 am (UTC)

(Link)

You're very welcome! Actually, I'm only aware of the Residents because someone showed me how handsome they are. They're pretty good, too.
From: contenidosincontinente.blogspot.com
2010-06-17 02:41 am (UTC)

Wow

(Link)

You seriously took the task of doing all this? Left me speechless, really. It was an amazing reading. Me and all the famely couldn't stop laughing.
[User Picture]From: mrmxy
2010-06-20 04:45 am (UTC)

Re: Wow

(Link)

Glad you liked it! I have another one of these somewhere, hopefully I'll take the time to post it here some day.
[User Picture]From: sca_sethe
2010-06-23 12:09 am (UTC)

(Link)

Especially liked the "NOT DEAR" touch. I think he understands his business isn't welcome.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-06-25 04:40 am (UTC)

Awesome

(Link)

Just got here form cracked.
Genius!
Very nice touch with the midgets.
[User Picture]From: purple0kitsune
2010-07-01 04:29 am (UTC)

(Link)

(You were on Cracked? :o *loves that site*)
Nice job. XD
GARY IS SADDENED BY YOUR ACTIONS.
I find it really funny that he keeps thanking you for your interest "to" our company. And his Engrish. XD
From: (Anonymous)
2010-07-02 01:06 pm (UTC)

Thank you

(Link)

Dear Maxy,
Thank you for doing what so many of us have thought of doing, but weren't funny enough to actually execute. I am really, truly hoping for another one of these - my roommate and I have an absolute ball reading them aloud. They are just too funny! And your little editorial commentaries in between always leave me gasping for air as I try to read aloud and laugh at the same time. Thank you!
From: (Anonymous)
2010-07-07 09:44 am (UTC)

MORE!!!

(Link)

Maxy, you're awesome. Please do more of these. You haven't written back to one of those sexy Russian ladies yet, or the guys who sell Cialis... MORE!!!
From: (Anonymous)
2010-07-08 01:09 am (UTC)

Awesome Job

(Link)

I laughed my head off while reading your awesome, broken-up English emails - from now on, I'll be sure to read everything you post on this blog.

Gary Zhou
From: (Anonymous)
2010-07-08 09:51 pm (UTC)

Icalasari

(Link)

Truly, pissing off scammers is the noblest of sports
From: (Anonymous)
2010-07-13 02:57 pm (UTC)

(Link)

I checked out the link from Cracked.com. Both your article, and this entry, are hilarious.
"All the famely ask where is it? where is it? It isn't, I have to tell them. It never is."
hahahaha genius.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-08-08 08:36 pm (UTC)

(Link)

I love you. Really. I do.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-10-16 06:26 pm (UTC)

(Link)

I think it's a bit short-sighted that you'd redact the company name (on two occasions, no less) and leave the bank account details in there unaltered.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-11-08 08:15 pm (UTC)

Hilarious

(Link)

Haha, got here from Cracked

Thanks mate, wicked stuff, a really good read ^_^


Cheers
Arthur
From: ext_314459
2010-11-08 08:52 pm (UTC)

awesome.

(Link)

just got here from Cracked, too. that Cartman reference made me laugh so hard that I slobbered on my carpet. good job.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-12-14 10:25 am (UTC)

Awesome!

(Link)

Got here from cracked.com. More of this, please!!
Gary Z.
[User Picture]From: lenka0602
2010-12-16 06:15 pm (UTC)

(Link)

That was hilarious! You do not mess with Maxy and his family, he will end your sh*t.

It would not surprise me if he sold the other goat and went to China to demand that dishwasher, dammit.
[User Picture]From: vanetz
2010-12-23 01:48 am (UTC)

(Link)

$35 shipping to Estonia? WHAT AN AMAZING SAVINGS! I wonder if they'd actually send you a TV for 45 bucks :)

Also, why is it that often when someone needs to come up with an improbable country of origin, they say Estonia? I've been to Estonia (I live 70 miles from its' border) and it's really not that bad. It baffled me ever since I saw "Encino Man". Seriously.
From: (Anonymous)
2011-01-02 07:04 am (UTC)

(Link)

Someone I work with visits your blog frequently and recommended it to me to read too. The writing style is great and the content is top-notch. Thanks for the insight you provide the readers!
From: (Anonymous)
2011-01-22 08:04 am (UTC)

(Link)

We’re a group of volunteers and starting a brand new initiative in a community. Your weblog supplied us valuable information to work on. You have done a marvellous work!.
From: https://me.yahoo.com/thisbagisnotatoy#cd504
2011-03-01 04:41 pm (UTC)

(Link)

aw, that's perfect. ^
From: (Anonymous)
2011-02-15 07:24 pm (UTC)

I love you.

(Link)

It's been a while since anything I read online has made me actually, literally laugh out loud. The China disappearing bit got me. Thank you. xD
[User Picture]From: rainaria
2011-03-03 06:34 am (UTC)

(Link)

haha, this is awesome. you're awesome.
[User Picture]From: skysayzrawr
2011-03-03 11:11 pm (UTC)

(Link)

I died. I died and I'm typing this as a ghost. I died, got resurrected, and then died again. Gary says hi and pleased to be very sorry (he thanks you for the attention to his business) but now he is having a hard time finding any dishwashers for you to buy. It's difficult to finding much of anything in purgatory these days. Even harder to ship it to Estonia! Thanks much, Maxy. He hopes you can be friends and asks you to please forgive him and also sell the other goat and buy some lamps from [business redacted] so his brother can eat tonight. He has siblings of many, he swears on his assport. Anyway, I got chucked back into earth pretty fast and by the time I got back to line in purgatory, he was nowhere to be found. (Pretty sure I heard some screams of 'NO, I NOT WIN THE LOTTERY, YOU WIN THE LOTTERY. NOOOOOO.' coming from a general underfoot vicinity, but I can't be certain.)
From: (Anonymous)
2011-03-20 10:20 am (UTC)

(Link)

Nice post. Thanks
From: (Anonymous)
2011-04-08 08:42 am (UTC)

Wow. Just wow.

(Link)

I would sell my soul to the devil (actually, probably not) to see what the guys sending you these emails look like on the other side when reading your responses. That they continue responding to you means they're really thick, but could they honestly be THAT thick? I can imagine them at their computers when they receive your first response seeming deviously happy; then a bit confused with the next response, but still somewhat deviously happy; then starting to get annoyed, because they could be investing their time scamming other more accommodating people; then downright irritated because they've invested so much time in responding to you, but it's really getting ridiculous now; then bloody pissed off when they start to realise that maybe they're been scammed. The irony of them getting angry for being scammed would be pricely to witness!
From: (Anonymous)
2011-06-17 02:45 am (UTC)

(Link)

Gotta say, this wasn't particularly entertaining. It'd be one thing if it were an actual scammer, but there's no real evidence that it is.

As it is, it's just some poor Chinese guy trying to sell TVs. Who cares?

I've seen funnier done with less effort.
From: (Anonymous)
2011-07-14 04:35 pm (UTC)

Gary Zhou

(Link)

I have seriously received emails from this guy.
From: (Anonymous)
2011-07-26 04:48 pm (UTC)

Awesome xD

(Link)

Got here from Cracked. This made my night xDD <3
From: (Anonymous)
2012-03-06 04:01 am (UTC)

(Link)

That was all kinds of hilarious. Love the broken english and the "NO DEAR".
I laughed so hard.
From: (Anonymous)
2012-06-02 04:25 pm (UTC)

Estonian here

(Link)

The fact I live in Estonia , Peterburi tee makes it all the more funnier.
From: mrmxy
2012-06-02 05:10 pm (UTC)

Re: Estonian here

(Link)

I'm glad you didn't say "racist and offensive."
[User Picture]From: nussekanin
2012-06-07 04:43 pm (UTC)

(Link)

I just found this blog through cracked.com, and I'm really enjoying it!

You are right when you say there's no place called Zhongguanchun - it's spelled Zhongguancun (without the h in the last syllable). It's the computer district in Beijing. However, Chinese are terrible at pinyin.