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Maxy [Jul. 9th, 2009|01:32 am]
mrmxy
Right! Have you ever gotten one of these?

Subject: ebay

Hey,
how are you doing recently?
I would like to introduce you a very good company and its website is [LINK REDACTED] It can offer you all kinds of electronic products that you may be in need,such as laptops ,gps ,TV LCD,cell phones,ps3,MP3/4,motorcycles and etc........
You can take some time to have a check ,there must be something interesting you 'd like to purchase .

Hope you can enjoy yourself in shopping from that company !

Regards


WHO ARE YOU? W-Why are you recommending a retail website to me? Do you work there, or are you just a selfless soul who goes around giving shopping advice to complete strangers? And what does any of this have to do with eBay?!

I'm not entirely sure if these companies are legit or not (I've never actually clicked on one of those links), but what the fuck, I'm gonna waste their time anyway. They type like shit, so they're close enough to scammers for me.



Here's my first reply:

Subject: Purchas

Hi I would like to buy some television
thanks

Maxy


I'm being careful not to use anything that might make them feel threatened, such as grammar or punctuation. They responded soon enough:

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

Could you tell me where are you from? and how many units would you like? if you can order more than 10 units we can offer you free shipping,

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,
China


"Zhongguanchun"? He's making this up! I bet he's not even a Sales Manager.

Ok, I just Googled Zhongguanchun and it's a real place. But still, he sounds like a fucktard. Also, "Gary Zhou" is probably the Chinese equivalent of something like "Ching-Chong Johnson" ("Ching-Chong Pérez", if you're reading from a Latin country). If school taught me anything it's that people with unusual names deserve as much grief as you can give them. And so:

No I wold like 1 order for now please.

I am from Estonia, Peterburi tee street number 83 can you send me television

Maxy


I'm slowly, carefully, introducing periods into my e-mails as I gain his confidence.

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

We can send that tv to your address, the shipping cost is about 35 US Dollars, so you can place an order online or tell me the products full name, I can help you here,

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


Is he gonna thank me for bringing attention to his company every single time? Yes, he is.

I would like good color TV to watch on DIVD. With antenna too for TV

Where to send 35 dolars (Bank account number,etc.) please

Thank you closely
Maxy


When purchasing a TV set throught the Internet, always remember to make sure it's a color one. Otherwise your children will hate you forever.

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

Could you tell me the full name of the TV, so we can caculate the total cost ( Price of the TV + shipping cost).

By the way, please supply with us the informations of yours: Full name, address and telephone,

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


I just noticed that he forgot to paste "China" at the end of his address in the last couples of e-mails. Or maybe I forgot to copy it while pasting them here. Either way, he's a jerk.

Hello full name of TV is Samsong television, full name of Maxy is Maxwell Karen Yezpitelok, Peterburi tee street number 83 telephone 562

where to send 35 dolars, I have them allready this morneng from seling goat.

Thank you so kindly
Maxy


I'm hoping he feels touched by the fact that I had to sell my goat to get the 35 dollars I believe the television costs. He isn't. He's a ruthless businessman:

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

I mean that you have paid the full amount of the TV, not just the shipping cost, Samsung HL61A650 61-Inch 1080p Slim DLP HDTV, the total cost are 704 US Dollars, and the following is our bank informations:

Bank Name: Bank of China
A/C Holder’s Name: Duan Fan
A/C No.: 4320105-0188-054310-4
Swift Code: BKCH CN BJ 110
Address: No.2 Chao Yang Men Nei Da Jie, Dongcheng District, Beijing, 100010, China

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


I just checked: I didn't forget to copy the word "China"... it wasn't there! His address ends in a comma! What sort of madness is this? What... What have I gotten myself into?!

Also: note that I asked for a Samsong television and he's trying to sell me one made by "Samsung", whatever that is. He also neglected to mention if it is a color TV or not... on purpose, I presume.

Anyway, as you can imagine I wasn't too amused to find out that the cost of my TV had suddenly gone up by 2000%. US $700 for a knock-off possibly-B&W TV was unacceptable, so I made a counteroffer:

Dear,

You tell me 35 dolar, I sell Ipkiss the goat for 50, I can give you 45 dolar with 5 for taxi to me.

Final ofering
thank you

Maxy


'Cause without cab fare, how is the TV gonna get to my house?

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

I told you the shipping cost is 35 US Dollars, but you need pay the price of the TV, do you want to use 35 US Dollars to buy a TV?

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


I don't mean to be repetitive, but, seriously: What happened? How is the company no longer in China? Did that entire district of Beijing became expatriated between e-mails? Or did they declare themselves as an independent state, the Glorious Nation of 100020,?

But enough of that. The guy just asked me if I really wanted to buy a TV for 35 dollars. I decided to subtly test him to find out if he really was a scammer:

Yes, Im happy to understand. Must be colored please & antenna for to watch TV.

I expect on next wendsday for watching midget wrestling match in ESTV with friend and famely

Merry wishes,
Maxy


Wait. What? Why would I say that?! I was obviously tired of this whole thing and wanted poor Gary to stop replying... Which he would have done, if he wasn't EVIL:

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

Have you made the payment today?

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


So, okay, Gary believes I'm trying to buy a TV for 35 dollars, and he's still urging me to deposit the money? Something tells me this might not be a legitimate business after all. Maybe it really is possible to buy a TV for that amount of money and have it shipped from China to Estonia, but IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE A COLOR ONE!

Dear,

I want to first confirm it get to my house by wendsday for small people fight in TV. The all famely is coming for watching,all very aroused for fight. Then Maxy sent money to to bank.

It's very much money and if it cant get TV by wendsday then I buy TV some were else.

Good day,
Maxy


I really need to settle on a goodbye greeting.

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

We will wait for your payment, have a nice day.

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,
Beijing, 100020,


Gary's like: "yeah, sure, whatever, just deposit the money, SUCKA!".

At this point I figured I should wait until the following wednesday and send Gary an angry e-mail. So I did wait until wednesday, then I sort of forgot about this and ended up waiting two more days until friday. Consequently, Maxy had to be a lot more pissed than I'd originally intended:

NOT DEAR,

HELLO,

IS FRIDAY AND TELEVISION IT NEVER ARRIVE. WE WAIT FOR TELEVISION FOR WENDSDAY, MANY DAYS OF WAITING HARDLY, BUT ONLY AIR FROM TREES AND SMELLINGS OF COW ARRIVE.

YOU PROMISE TO BRING TELEVISION, BUT YOU BRING SHAME INTO MY HOUSE
I WILL NOT PAY 45 DOLARS, I DONT CARE IF TELEVISION IS ON WAY. TOO LATE FOR REJOICING

DO YOU HAVE DISH WASHING MACHINE THOUGH.

SOME GREETING,
MAXY


That's right. No multiple greetings for you, only scarce ones. And in singular.

Dear Maxy,

Thanks for your attention to our company,

Are you serously? have you made the payment? after you pay so we can send the products to you, that is deal.

Best regards,

Gary Zhou,
Sales Manager
Beijing Huahai Shangmao Co., Ltd
Hailong Building, Zhongguanchun,
Haidian district,


Gary was so upset, his address lost a couple more lines, and he started talking like Cartman from South Park. I should have replied: "Yes I'm seriously, you guys!". But I didn't. I replied:

Gary.

Firstly only friends call me Maxy, youre no longer my friend.

Secondly I ask to confirm for TV get here on wendsday, you confirm but then it doesnt get, so no payment. It very unprofesionel for prestigeous companny like [COMPANY NAME REDACTED] to fail on word. All the famely ask where is it? where is it? It isn't, I have to tell them. It never is. Now people at town square laugh and rejoice at my lack of TV.

Thirdly how much is dish washer machine.

Welcome,
Maxy (is name for friends only)


Hardcore. From the very first line. No "Dear" for you, bitch.

I assume Gary was so devastated after reading this message that he committed suicide, because I never heard from him again. That, or his newly emancipated nation was invaded by the Chinese Army, and thousands of TVs, laptops and motorcycles were confiscated or destroyed.

Either way. Fuck you, Gary. May you rot in Hell.
LinkReply

Comments:
From: (Anonymous)
2011-07-26 04:48 pm (UTC)

Awesome xD

Got here from Cracked. This made my night xDD <3
(Reply) (Thread)